san_fransokyo | There's a point we pass from which we can't return [O P E N]

[All it takes is one quick scan for Baymax to pick up on all of Hiro's symptoms, both physical and emotional. He may not know what's exactly bothering him, but there's definitely some fluctuations that weren't there previously.

There's not much that can be done for a cold, besides getting some rest and drinking fluids. Baymax plans on talking to Cass about making some soup for Hiro, but there's something he wants to bring up to his patient first.]

You are in distress while you are sleeping. Are you having nightmares?

Common ways to stop nightmares are getting enough sleep and establishing a regular sleep schedule. In some cases, talking about your nightmares can help. Would you like to talk about your nightmares?

[Hiro's still groggy and only half-awake, so having Baymax leaning over him when he opens is eyes, directly after a nightmare like that, doesn't exactly help. He gasps and bolts upright, backing halfway to the other side of the bed before he catches himself. That in itself should be enough of a sign that something is off, here.

It's not real. It's not real, it's not real...

Hiro averts his eyes and sags back onto his pillow, stuffy head spinning from the sudden movement.]

I've been in bed for two days. I think I'm getting plenty of sleep. And no, I don't want to talk about it.

[Baymax is designed to be non-threatening, so for Hiro to react like that to him is quite baffling. He blinks several times as he straightens himself up, wondering what had Hiro so upset.

If Hiro doesn't want to talk about the nightmares, then he won't press the issue for now, there's other matters that need to be addressed.

He does a quick scan to see how Hiro's health is progressing, checking for a fever and any changes that he might need to know about.]

Drinking plenty of fluids can help shorten the length of a cold. Would you like me to get you some soup?

Nah. Aunt Cass is already upset, don't bother her anymore.

[Shorthand for Don't bother her anymore with my problems, because it's my fault she's upset.

Hiro rolls over to fish his SFIT hoodie off the floor, beset by a sudden onset of chills; he pulls it over his head and then drags the covers to his chin. For a long couple of minutes he just lays there like that, thinking, and then eventually glances up at Baymax again.]

Sorry about freaking out on you there, buddy. You didn't do anything wrong.

[There's another long silence.]

D'you think...Callaghan's afraid of you?

[Since his suggested treatments are unneeded, Baymax is going to take a few steps backwards and quietly wait. Hiro's condition has been improving and there's not a lot one can do for a cold, it has to run its course.

He's glad to know that it was nothing on his part that caused Hiro to be distressed, that puts him more at ease.

However, his friend's question does bother Baymax, or rather, the answer does. He is designed and programmed to be non-threatening, however, Hiro has expanded his programming, which has caused him to act against his original purpose once.]

The last time he saw me, his heart rate and breathing rapidly increased and his pupils dilated. These are all common signs of fear.

Yes, I believe Callaghan is afraid of me.

[It's something he doesn't like admitting, but the data is there, he can't argue with what his scanners picked up.]

...Oh. Okay. Makes sense.

[Not that Hiro didn't already suspect as much, but hearing it confirmed by hard data from Baymax is...he doesn't like it. Because he can hazard a likely theory to explain why, and it points back to one person's actions.

He doesn't like to think that maybe all of this starts with him.

For a long time he doesn't say anything else, twiddling his thumbs, and then he sighs. This is as close to talking about the nightmare as he's gotten so far.]

M'sorry, Baymax. It isn't your fault he's afraid of you. I...made a mistake. Maybe a lot of mistakes.

Don't tell Tadashi I told you that, though.

[Baymax doesn't mind waiting while Hiro gathers his thoughts, he's a very patient robot.

He appreciates Hiro's apology and it's a good sign, his patient is making excellent progress.

Baymax gives him a small nod.]

Mistakes and accidents cause many injuries each year. Mistakes are a part of life.

[It's his way of saying that Hiro's apology is accepted and everything's fine between them. Even without the apology, things would still be good, he understands that Hiro had been going through a lot at the time, he had the scan data to prove it.

They've been through so much together in a short amount of time, Baymax trusts Hiro and so far, his trust hasn't been misplaced.

He nods again.]

I will not tell Tasashi.

[There didn't seem to be a reason for him to report his brother's words to Tadashi, so it's an easy promise to make.]

Good, 'cuz he's already mad.

[That Hiro trusts Baymax, in turn, goes unsaid. It's obvious though that at some point, he'd stopped treating Baymax so much like a robot and more like a friend. It'd been Baymax who finally drew him back to reality after Tadashi died, and Baymax who kept him anchored there, even after everything. To say he's emotionally attached to his brother's nurse bot is an understatement.

In some ways, Baymax is easier to talk to than most people Hiro knows. The nurse bot is completely unflappable and doesn't judge anything but health conditions.

Hiro flops down on his pillow and curls up, quiet for a time, just watching Baymax. He swallows a lump in his throat before he speaks.]

I...dreamed that Callaghan was dead. That I - you - he died, out there on that island.

[While Baymax cares about and wishes to help everyone, Hiro has a special place in his programming. He's learned quite a few things about the world from his friend.

He's not too interesting to watch, the only different thing that he does is occasionally blink.

When Hiro opens up about his dream, he's quiet for a moment as he checks his databases for a proper response. It sounds like an unpleasant nightmare, though he doesn't pick up on the implications of Hiro briefly using the word "you".]

How did Callaghan being dead make you feel?

[Baymax knew that at one point, he wanted Callaghan dead. Thankfully, things had changed and the older man was arrested instead. He's curious as to what Hiro thinks about it now.]

[Again, Hiro's quiet for a while, mulling it over. He opens his mouth as if to say something, but then shuts it again. That's a tough question to answer.

Finally he shrugs.]

I dunno. [Well, that's not completely true. If he had to give a general answer -] It was bad. I wasn't happy about it, I know that much, I just...the feelings were messy. Does that make sense?

[Baymax gives Hiro as much time as he needs to think over his answer, quietly waiting and blinking for his friend to sort out his thoughts.

He's glad that Hiro wasn't happy about Callaghan's death, if he was, then they would've had a lot to talk about.]

Death is not usually a happy topic.

[That was an understatement, he knows how badly Hiro had been affected by death.

Baymax tilts his head.]

Messy? How so?

[From a completely medical standpoint, all feelings were messy, a mix of chemicals being produced by the human body. However, Hiro's using the term in a way he's not familiar with.]

[Hiro rubs the back of his neck; he forgets sometimes that Baymax, even with a huge vocabulary on file, is missing certain idioms and colloquial phrases, and he's not really sure how to explain this one when he doesn't understand it himself.]

Messy. Like...confused. [Hiro props his pillow up so he can sit up a little while he explains this.] It's like if you scanned so much data at once, you couldn't process it all right away, and if it was too much you might not be able to process it at all and you'd have to reboot. Like that, except with too many feelings at once, so I couldn't figure out what I felt like. Except that they were all bad feelings.

[He gives a half-hearted laugh.]

Chalk one up for puberty, I guess.

[Baymax listens in his characteristic silence. Hiro's done a decent job explaining the situation.]

Puberty can be a source of some of the...messy feelings. [He tries out his new term and keeps on going.] It is also normal to have bad feelings when someone dies.

[As far as Baymax saw it, nobody deserved to die, even if they had done bad things. Death was something that did come eventually, but he's programmed to keep it at bay as long as possible.]

But what if it's somebody you hate?

[Sure, it's normal to feel bad when someone dies. But Hiro picks apart the logic and find it doesn't quite fit; he was upset when Tadashi died, but Tadashi's family and of course Hiro would care about that. Callaghan was responsible for Tadashi's death; they aren't friends, and Hiro isn't certain he'd ever grieve the same way over Callaghan as he did Tadashi.]

Or, well - somebody you don't like. You have mixed feelings on them. Maybe you were a little responsible for them dying. Is it normal to feel bad about it then?

I am a robot, I cannot hate or dislike anyone.

[He can't exactly see where Hiro's coming from, but he's trying to. Human feelings were complicated and he only has hard data on them, instead of experience feeling them.]

Yes. It is normal to feel bad about the death of someone, even if you did not know them well. If you are responsible for them dying, guilt is a natural response.

Robot. Right...

[If anybody could hear him asking for emotional advice from a robot, they'd probably think he was crazy. Hiro thinks he's a little crazy, himself. But then, all the emotion-feeling human people he could talk to are all mad at him. Aunt Cass? Yup. Tadashi? Double yup. And Mochi is a cat.

Yeah, Baymax is probably his best bet right now.]

So you're saying this is guilt. Awesome. So even I'm mad at me.

[Even if it might sound a little odd, Baymax is built for this sort of thing. He's designed to do whatever his patients need in order to feel better. The database on mental healthcare might've come later, but it's just as important as physical healthcare.]

Guilt is a common feeling when someone believes that they have done something wrong. Completely lacking the ability to feel guilt is an indication of a personality disorder.

[Maybe Baymax didn't intend that to be funny, but Hiro laughs anyway, the corners of his mouth quirking into a grin. God. Everything is ten times funnier when you're sick and feeling messed up, huh?]

So I'm not a sociopath. Good to know. Anything else important you wanna tell me on that subject?

[Baymax doesn't understand why Hiro is laughing, but he's glad that his friend is feeling well enough to laugh.]

While feeling some guilt is normal for all human beings, the feeling of guilt can contribute to other disorders, such as anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder.

[...Alright, now they're getting uncomfortable. Hiro wouldn't say he's that bad, but he's ordinarily high-strung at best and with how much he's been thinking about this, sure, maybe it's not healthy. But he doesn't want to delve into that with anybody else just yet - not even Baymax.

Hiro tugs the covers over his head and buries himself in his pillow.]

I - think that's enough armchair therapy for one evening, big guy. I'll be okay.

[There's a moment of quiet, and then Hiro pokes his head back out, sneaking a soft smile at Baymax.]

...I am satisfied with my care.

[Thanks to his scanning system, Baymax knows that something is up with Hiro, based on the fluctuations he's picking up. However, he's also aware that pushing the issue, especially when a patient is unwell, isn't going to help matters. The more time he spends around Hiro, the more tuned to the boy his systems get, he's learning more of what works best for his patient.

When his shut down command is given, he nods politely, then toddles off to his charger, deflating and compressing down, with the base shutting over him until he's next needed.]

[Aunt Cass... she hadn't taken the news well. Getting a call from the hospital telling her that not one, but both of her nephews had been admitted after an accident must've been terrible enough. There were probably a few awful conclusions that were leaped to, parallels drawn between the last time she got a call from the hospital about two family members at once...

And then to find out that the "accident" was actually the end result of her nephews playing at superheroes, and that this wasn't their first excursion. Well, not Hiro's, but it didn't matter who got things started. They're both smart enough to know better. One is a legal adult, even, and can usually be counted on to put a stop to the younger ones worst ideas.

There had been yelling (as much as was possible while still inside the hospital), there had been frustrated, frightened tears, and there had been many, many donuts. Both brothers had been spared the worst of her wrath since returning home, though Tadashi suspected she was simply waiting until they'd recovered enough to be sure whatever lecture or ultimatum she gave them would really hit home. Even so, interactions were understandable strained when she came up to check on them or bring them a warm meal, and for Tadashi the weight of the guilt was almost physical. And Hiro...

They haven't spoken much since coming home from the hospital, primarily because having any sort of intelligent discussion is rather difficult with your head full of fog and your chest full of phlegm, but it'd be a lie to say there wasn't tension between them as well. The willingness to overlook particular actions comes naturally when you've just been pulled from the jaws of death, but later, after everything's calmed down and no one's died, certain subjects have a way of cropping back up. Subjects that difficult to ignore, but aren't necessarily easily brought up. Tadashi at least has Baymax within easy reach should he want to work on the bot's code as a distraction, but there's little point with his head as foggy as it is.

... It's a mess, but he can't stop himself peering around the half-opened divider every time Hiro shifts or makes some kind of noise, a grave frown on his face.]

[Hiro is not asleep. In fact, he's been awake for a while now; he's just keeping quiet and facing toward the opposite wall, making himself as much of an innocuous lump as possible. If the fact that he can see Tadashi in the mirror in the corner looking his way and frowning every once in a while is any indication, Tadashi wants to talk. Hiro, on the other hand, does not want to talk.

He knows Aunt Cass is upset. He feels kinda bad about that. And he knows Tadashi is still mad about certain...things, that happened. Callaghan's coat hanging on the chair next to his bed serves as a constant reminder. Hiro's not sure what to say; maybe sorry would be a good starting point, but swallowing his pride and working his way up to that is hard. Feeling guilty and crummy is hard. Facing the music is hard.

So he's just avoiding it, instead.

He has the misfortune of bad timing, though; at some point he lifts his head to peer over his shoulder at Tadashi, exactly coinciding with one of those moments where Tadashi turns his head to look at Hiro. And there's this second where he freezes, staring at his brother - and then, because he has no idea what else to do, he quickly rolls back over, yanks the covers all the way over his head, and curls up in a ball underneath.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.]

[Tadashi's a little surprised when their eyes meet. He hadn't expected Hiro to risk looking his way just yet. Doing anything other than ignoring each other might start up a conversation, after all, and any conversation they have now is bound to be unpleasant.

But they can't avoid it forever. They've avoided it for too long already. Tadashi sighs quietly and sets aside the book he'd been looking at (not actually reading, because that level of concentration still makes his head hurt). One of them has to make a decision here, and it's obviously not going to be Hiro.

There are several long seconds of silence and then the sound of rustling cloth before socked feet slowly shuffle their way toward Hiro's bed. Then- yep, there it is, the dip of the mattress as a certain someone settles himself on the edge of the bed and clears his throat.]

Hiro.

Edited 2015-01-18 07:56 (UTC)

[Tadashi will note that Hiro doesn't say anything right away, but that there's a quiet huff and the lump under the blankets shrinks away from him. And still doesn't say anything. He doesn't want to talk. It's just that the guilt gnawing at his insides persists, reminding him he can't leave his brother hanging forever, that at some point he has to say something.

He puts it off for as long as humanly possible. Eventually he tugs the blanket back by degrees, only his eyes visible as he peers briefly over his shoulder at Tadashi and then lays his head back down and looks away again.

Except there's that stupid coat, so he can't look any direction without something making him feel bad. All he needs now is for Aunt Cass to appear at the head of the stairs.]

Well? You can get it over with. I'm listening.

[Tadashi waits patiently for his little brother to emerge from the blanket cocoon, tired eyes fixed right on him when Hiro finally chances a peek in his big brother's direction, and that quick retreat earns him a heavy sigh.]

I want to talk with you, Hiro, not at you.

[He's definitely still upset about what happened, but the time between that night and now has given him a chance to channel that upset properly. Yelling won't help anything and lecturing has never an effective tool where Hiro's concerned, so while the anger Hiro's expecting is still there, it's in a less overt form. Disappointment with an edge of exasperation.]

[Hiro still doesn't respond for a long moment, but eventually, grumbling quietly, he sits up. His stuffed up head doesn't appreciate him for it. He curls his hands tightly in the folds of the blanket in his lap and frowns down at them.]

What are we supposed to talk about? Callaghan's dangerous. I was sorta hoping you'd figured that out by now.

[Maybe he's talking to himself, more than Tadashi. Maybe it's a tell-tale sign of what's on his mind that the first thing out of his mouth is this. Or maybe he's stubbornly fighting the inevitable, where the conversation becomes about him, and not Callaghan.]

I know that.

[He looks away from Hiro, scrubbing a hand through his messy hair. A few days in bed has done a good job of curing him of his normal hat hair, but at the cost of replacing said hat hair with some pretty epic bed head. Not quite as epic as Hiro's, but there's a good reason Tadashi keeps his hair short.]

I don't think I realized how dangerous until now.

Oh.

[Which is as eloquent of a response as he can think of, being suddenly proven wrong. He's been wrong about a lot of things lately. He unclenches his fingers from the blanket and smooths the fabric before folding his hand together in his lap, exhaling a quiet hmm.

Tadashi looks as tired as Hiro feels.]

...I'm having a hard time believing you watched me lay around for half an hour and then walked all the way over here just to say, "Hey Hiro, you were right all along, Callaghan's a big jerk!"

Edited 2015-01-19 06:48 (UTC)

Good call.

[He sniffs briefly before looking back at Hiro again, trying to push back the worst of his runny nose in the childish way that he's always scolded Hiro for. Big boys use tissues and blow their noses like mature adults... but Tadashi's not feeling especially big just now.

He hesitates for a few seconds, debating on exactly how to string together the words he wants to say.]

... Do you remember what I told you about anger?

[Silence.

Hiro briefly considers lying, and saying he doesn't, but Tadashi wouldn't believe that. Even if it's hard to take him seriously with his nose running like a faucet, Hiro knows his brother's smarter than that. And the truth is, he remembers every word vividly, even more so now.

He idly flicks a wadded up tissue across the bed, stalling for a couple seconds longer. They're everywhere - under his pillow, fallen in the crack between the bed and the wall, tumbled onto the floor or gathered into little piles to be thrown out. Stupid cold.]

You can't let anger change you. It isn't wrong, unless you turn it on another person. Yeah.

[He glances at the coat on the chair. He understands where this is going, but still...]

He attacked Baymax. He was out of control. He - [There's little conviction in his voice. He gets quieter.] Somebody needed to stop him.

[Tadashi nods along as Hiro repeats his own words back to him. That conversation seems a long way off now, with so much strangeness between then and now.]

He was afraid.

[He knows Hiro must've seen it. He might not have registered it in that moment, but in the time after? The hours in the hospital, the days spent in bed afterward? There'd been plenty of time to process what happened that night. To go over things from every angle, to find what went wrong and where. Tadashi could see it, and if he could see it, he knew Hiro could too.]

That doesn't justify attacking Baymax like he did, but that signal did something that we didn't intend, and he was confused and afraid.

[Hiro knows it. Baymax has the scan data to prove it.

He flinches at every syllable, shrinking in on himself. He's gripping at the sheets again, drawing them against his chest and holding them tightly, staring blankly down at his lap because it's the only place he can look - not at that stupid coat, and not at Tadashi because he doesn't want to see the look on his brother's face.

Hiro knows one thing that Tadashi maybe hasn't figured out, not that it gives him any satisfaction knowing it. So far, it only gives him bad dreams.]

He was afraid of Baymax.

[He tucks his knees against his chest and buries his face in his arms, mumbling quietly into them.]

That's my fault, too.

[And there it is.]

[It's probably best that Hiro's not looking at him, because the almost offended expression that forms after that little revelation wouldn't do much to help the conversation along. Afraid of Baymax? Why would he be afraid of Baymax, and how could it be Hiro's-

And that's when he remembers what Hiro did. The actions he admitted to that brought about that conversation on anger. Looking at Baymax, knowing the robot like Tadashi knows him, it's difficult to imagine having any reason to be afraid of him, but without the healthcare chip...

He'd just be a big tool. A giant weapon, as Hiro had told him, with only basic programming and one person's anger guiding him.

It's a very unsettling thought, and it definitely makes sense when put into context. Being adversely affected by the second signal, only to come back to reality face-to-face with the robot that once tried to kill you?

Tadashi sighs, picking absently at the fabric of his pajama bottoms.]

... You made a mistake. None of us thought to account for that possibility.

[Hiro shakes his head; it probably really is a good thing he's not actually looking at Tadashi, because it's already eating at him enough and he'd probably misinterpret that expression as more disappointment.]

I made a lot of mistakes. And screwed everything up in the process. And nearly got everybody killed. He was scared of Baymax because of me.

[He sniffs. If he cries now, he's going to be in a world of stuffy congestion hell ten times worse than the one he was already experiencing, so...fighting back the floodgates, best as he can when they've been building pressure for a few days now.

Yeah, the guilt and mental backflips trying to sort through all this was pretty bad, but admitting it out loud makes it so much more real and awful.]

This really is all my fault.

[It's only a matter of time, bro. You're going to have to let that pressure go eventually. Remember, it's okay to cry.]

Everyone makes mistakes.

[Tadashi looks up at that sniff, any remains of that offended expression draining away as he looks at his little brother. He's certainly not going to lie to Hiro. Absolving him of all guilt would only be doing him a disservice, but the kid's punishing himself over what happened more effectively than Tadashi ever could.]

... There were a lot of things that led up to what happened with the dock. Lots of mistakes, big and small, and you can't carry all of them. Not on those skinny shoulders. [He smiles, a brief, but natural reaction while in the presence of his little brother.]

You made mistakes. I made mistakes. Callaghan... well, he's made a lot of mistakes. If we're going to move on from this, the most important part is identifying those mistakes so that neither of us repeat them again.

["Neither", because trying to include Callaghan in this little self-improvement exercise, even verbally, seems pretty silly.]

Edited 2015-01-22 05:58 (UTC)

Uh-huh.

[Just quiet acknowledgement; he's not even fighting anything but the tears anymore, because it is NOT OKAY TO CRY when you have a cold, ok, it's definitely a mistake. Though Hiro ends up scrubbing at his eyes anyway as he looks up - not at Tadashi, but at Callaghan's coat. His shoulders sag.]

I thought he was gonna let us both drown, but he didn't. He saved us. And now he doesn't want anything to do with us.

[Also Hiro's fault. It's not all his fault, maybe, but it feels like it. Maybe Callaghan's crazy, but when Hiro isn't absolutely livid with the man sometimes he remembers that once, he cared what Callaghan thought of him. Maybe he still cares a little now, when he shouldn't.

He's not sure how it is he can be angry at someone but feel sorry for them at the same time.

Hurriedly wiping a tear from his cheek, Hiro reaches under his pillow and emerges with a couple of photos he found in the coat pockets just this morning. Photos of Callaghan, and a girl who looks like Abigail, if he had to hazard a guess.]

I don't - want to just hunt him down like a dog. Those microbots are dangerous, and they're my responsibility, but...maybe he would've worked with us, if I hadn't...I don't know. I don't know what to do.

[Tadashi knows the face a little better than Hiro does. Even just one meeting in Callaghan's office would be enough for anyone to see most of the major stages of his daughters life, neatly framed and hanging from the walls, propped up atop filing cabinets...

Or that's how it had been before he lost her. Things were different now.

He hadn't been sure that night, whether Callaghan would let them drown or not. Too focused on the actual drowning part to spend too much effort on such thoughts, it was only afterward that he'd really considered the idea. Confused and angry and afraid, barely in control... it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. As much as Tadashi never wanted to believe it, as much as it hurt to think about, he couldn't continue to think of Callaghan as only his former professor, his mentor. Not while he was capable of... more? That one word can't really serve as a satisfactory description, but it'll have to do for now. It's either that, or resort to a much more distressing vocabulary.

Instead he puts his focus on Hiro, turning in his seat to face his little brother fully, reaching out to place one hand over those smaller ones, mindful not to bend the photographs. Hiro might not want to look at him, but Tadashi's not going anywhere.]

He might have, he might not have. I'm not sure he's ready to actually ready to give the microbots up...

But we can try again. Next time we'll do it right.

If we get a next time.

[Because maybe they won't. Maybe they'll have to take the microbots by force, maybe they'll have to fight for them just like before, only with no portal to suction them away little by little and no transmitter to destroy to end the fight. If an interfering signal won't work, or if the side effects are too savage to take that step, well...something else, then. Maybe magnets.

Ugh. Too hard to think about right now.

At least Tadashi's hand feels so much warmer than the clammy, wet one he tried to pull out of the harbor the other night. Healthy (sort of), and alive and...he's okay, Hiro's okay, nobody died. It could've gone so much worse.]

...M'sorry. That I lost my temper, that you were put in danger because of it. I don't want that to happen again.

[For the first time since Tadashi sat down, Hiro really looks at him. He sets the photos aside and - okay, hug time. Once in a blue moon hug time, but here he is, leaning over and hugging dumb Tadashi's neck.]

Also, I'm building floaties into your armor. No buts.

There's a point we pass from which we can't return [O P E N]

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