There's a point we pass from which we can't return [O P E N]

[bigdamnhiro]

[Sick days are the worst.

Most kids his age would be happy to have a few days out of school, but most kids his age don't have a high school diploma. Most kids his age aren't trying to get a bachelor's in robotics from the toughest tech school in town. Most kids his age aren't thinking, when they get sick, oh god but I have so many projects to work on.

Hiro tries not to think about it. All the snot, the fevers, the chills and the foul mood he's been in since taking a cold swim in the bay are making him miserable enough without thinking about all the notes and classwork he's going to need to catch up on. And every time he rolls over, there's Callaghan's rumpled trenchcoat hanging on the back of his desk chair, which just makes him want to burrow under the covers and be moody for a while.

Moody and sick, great combo. He snuffles and avoids talking; he shrugs off Baymax's attempts to assess his condition. He has nightmares, from which he wakes up sweating and terrified, and maybe he really regrets a couple of things he did regarding a certain masked man, but he can't take those back now.

He'll figure out what to do about it when his head's not stuffy and swimming.]

Comments

[bigdamnhiro]

[Hiro is not asleep. In fact, he's been awake for a while now; he's just keeping quiet and facing toward the opposite wall, making himself as much of an innocuous lump as possible. If the fact that he can see Tadashi in the mirror in the corner looking his way and frowning every once in a while is any indication, Tadashi wants to talk. Hiro, on the other hand, does not want to talk.

He knows Aunt Cass is upset. He feels kinda bad about that. And he knows Tadashi is still mad about certain...things, that happened. Callaghan's coat hanging on the chair next to his bed serves as a constant reminder. Hiro's not sure what to say; maybe sorry would be a good starting point, but swallowing his pride and working his way up to that is hard. Feeling guilty and crummy is hard. Facing the music is hard.

So he's just avoiding it, instead.

He has the misfortune of bad timing, though; at some point he lifts his head to peer over his shoulder at Tadashi, exactly coinciding with one of those moments where Tadashi turns his head to look at Hiro. And there's this second where he freezes, staring at his brother - and then, because he has no idea what else to do, he quickly rolls back over, yanks the covers all the way over his head, and curls up in a ball underneath.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.]

[anewangle]

[Tadashi's a little surprised when their eyes meet. He hadn't expected Hiro to risk looking his way just yet. Doing anything other than ignoring each other might start up a conversation, after all, and any conversation they have now is bound to be unpleasant.

But they can't avoid it forever. They've avoided it for too long already. Tadashi sighs quietly and sets aside the book he'd been looking at (not actually reading, because that level of concentration still makes his head hurt). One of them has to make a decision here, and it's obviously not going to be Hiro.

There are several long seconds of silence and then the sound of rustling cloth before socked feet slowly shuffle their way toward Hiro's bed. Then- yep, there it is, the dip of the mattress as a certain someone settles himself on the edge of the bed and clears his throat.]

Hiro.

[bigdamnhiro]

[Tadashi will note that Hiro doesn't say anything right away, but that there's a quiet huff and the lump under the blankets shrinks away from him. And still doesn't say anything. He doesn't want to talk. It's just that the guilt gnawing at his insides persists, reminding him he can't leave his brother hanging forever, that at some point he has to say something.

He puts it off for as long as humanly possible. Eventually he tugs the blanket back by degrees, only his eyes visible as he peers briefly over his shoulder at Tadashi and then lays his head back down and looks away again.

Except there's that stupid coat, so he can't look any direction without something making him feel bad. All he needs now is for Aunt Cass to appear at the head of the stairs.]

Well? You can get it over with. I'm listening.

[anewangle]

[Tadashi waits patiently for his little brother to emerge from the blanket cocoon, tired eyes fixed right on him when Hiro finally chances a peek in his big brother's direction, and that quick retreat earns him a heavy sigh.]

I want to talk with you, Hiro, not at you.

[He's definitely still upset about what happened, but the time between that night and now has given him a chance to channel that upset properly. Yelling won't help anything and lecturing has never an effective tool where Hiro's concerned, so while the anger Hiro's expecting is still there, it's in a less overt form. Disappointment with an edge of exasperation.]

[bigdamnhiro]

[Hiro still doesn't respond for a long moment, but eventually, grumbling quietly, he sits up. His stuffed up head doesn't appreciate him for it. He curls his hands tightly in the folds of the blanket in his lap and frowns down at them.]

What are we supposed to talk about? Callaghan's dangerous. I was sorta hoping you'd figured that out by now.

[Maybe he's talking to himself, more than Tadashi. Maybe it's a tell-tale sign of what's on his mind that the first thing out of his mouth is this. Or maybe he's stubbornly fighting the inevitable, where the conversation becomes about him, and not Callaghan.]

[anewangle]

I know that.

[He looks away from Hiro, scrubbing a hand through his messy hair. A few days in bed has done a good job of curing him of his normal hat hair, but at the cost of replacing said hat hair with some pretty epic bed head. Not quite as epic as Hiro's, but there's a good reason Tadashi keeps his hair short.]

I don't think I realized how dangerous until now.

[bigdamnhiro]

Oh.

[Which is as eloquent of a response as he can think of, being suddenly proven wrong. He's been wrong about a lot of things lately. He unclenches his fingers from the blanket and smooths the fabric before folding his hand together in his lap, exhaling a quiet hmm.

Tadashi looks as tired as Hiro feels.]

...I'm having a hard time believing you watched me lay around for half an hour and then walked all the way over here just to say, "Hey Hiro, you were right all along, Callaghan's a big jerk!"

[anewangle]

Good call.

[He sniffs briefly before looking back at Hiro again, trying to push back the worst of his runny nose in the childish way that he's always scolded Hiro for. Big boys use tissues and blow their noses like mature adults... but Tadashi's not feeling especially big just now.

He hesitates for a few seconds, debating on exactly how to string together the words he wants to say.]

... Do you remember what I told you about anger?

[bigdamnhiro]

[Silence.

Hiro briefly considers lying, and saying he doesn't, but Tadashi wouldn't believe that. Even if it's hard to take him seriously with his nose running like a faucet, Hiro knows his brother's smarter than that. And the truth is, he remembers every word vividly, even more so now.

He idly flicks a wadded up tissue across the bed, stalling for a couple seconds longer. They're everywhere - under his pillow, fallen in the crack between the bed and the wall, tumbled onto the floor or gathered into little piles to be thrown out. Stupid cold.]

You can't let anger change you. It isn't wrong, unless you turn it on another person. Yeah.

[He glances at the coat on the chair. He understands where this is going, but still...]

He attacked Baymax. He was out of control. He - [There's little conviction in his voice. He gets quieter.] Somebody needed to stop him.

[anewangle]

[Tadashi nods along as Hiro repeats his own words back to him. That conversation seems a long way off now, with so much strangeness between then and now.]

He was afraid.

[He knows Hiro must've seen it. He might not have registered it in that moment, but in the time after? The hours in the hospital, the days spent in bed afterward? There'd been plenty of time to process what happened that night. To go over things from every angle, to find what went wrong and where. Tadashi could see it, and if he could see it, he knew Hiro could too.]

That doesn't justify attacking Baymax like he did, but that signal did something that we didn't intend, and he was confused and afraid.

[bigdamnhiro]

[Hiro knows it. Baymax has the scan data to prove it.

He flinches at every syllable, shrinking in on himself. He's gripping at the sheets again, drawing them against his chest and holding them tightly, staring blankly down at his lap because it's the only place he can look - not at that stupid coat, and not at Tadashi because he doesn't want to see the look on his brother's face.

Hiro knows one thing that Tadashi maybe hasn't figured out, not that it gives him any satisfaction knowing it. So far, it only gives him bad dreams.]

He was afraid of Baymax.

[He tucks his knees against his chest and buries his face in his arms, mumbling quietly into them.]

That's my fault, too.

[And there it is.]

[anewangle]

[It's probably best that Hiro's not looking at him, because the almost offended expression that forms after that little revelation wouldn't do much to help the conversation along. Afraid of Baymax? Why would he be afraid of Baymax, and how could it be Hiro's-

And that's when he remembers what Hiro did. The actions he admitted to that brought about that conversation on anger. Looking at Baymax, knowing the robot like Tadashi knows him, it's difficult to imagine having any reason to be afraid of him, but without the healthcare chip...

He'd just be a big tool. A giant weapon, as Hiro had told him, with only basic programming and one person's anger guiding him.

It's a very unsettling thought, and it definitely makes sense when put into context. Being adversely affected by the second signal, only to come back to reality face-to-face with the robot that once tried to kill you?

Tadashi sighs, picking absently at the fabric of his pajama bottoms.]

... You made a mistake. None of us thought to account for that possibility.

[bigdamnhiro]

[Hiro shakes his head; it probably really is a good thing he's not actually looking at Tadashi, because it's already eating at him enough and he'd probably misinterpret that expression as more disappointment.]

I made a lot of mistakes. And screwed everything up in the process. And nearly got everybody killed. He was scared of Baymax because of me.

[He sniffs. If he cries now, he's going to be in a world of stuffy congestion hell ten times worse than the one he was already experiencing, so...fighting back the floodgates, best as he can when they've been building pressure for a few days now.

Yeah, the guilt and mental backflips trying to sort through all this was pretty bad, but admitting it out loud makes it so much more real and awful.]

This really is all my fault.

[anewangle]

[It's only a matter of time, bro. You're going to have to let that pressure go eventually. Remember, it's okay to cry.]

Everyone makes mistakes.

[Tadashi looks up at that sniff, any remains of that offended expression draining away as he looks at his little brother. He's certainly not going to lie to Hiro. Absolving him of all guilt would only be doing him a disservice, but the kid's punishing himself over what happened more effectively than Tadashi ever could.]

... There were a lot of things that led up to what happened with the dock. Lots of mistakes, big and small, and you can't carry all of them. Not on those skinny shoulders. [He smiles, a brief, but natural reaction while in the presence of his little brother.]

You made mistakes. I made mistakes. Callaghan... well, he's made a lot of mistakes. If we're going to move on from this, the most important part is identifying those mistakes so that neither of us repeat them again.

["Neither", because trying to include Callaghan in this little self-improvement exercise, even verbally, seems pretty silly.]

[bigdamnhiro]

Uh-huh.

[Just quiet acknowledgement; he's not even fighting anything but the tears anymore, because it is NOT OKAY TO CRY when you have a cold, ok, it's definitely a mistake. Though Hiro ends up scrubbing at his eyes anyway as he looks up - not at Tadashi, but at Callaghan's coat. His shoulders sag.]

I thought he was gonna let us both drown, but he didn't. He saved us. And now he doesn't want anything to do with us.

[Also Hiro's fault. It's not all his fault, maybe, but it feels like it. Maybe Callaghan's crazy, but when Hiro isn't absolutely livid with the man sometimes he remembers that once, he cared what Callaghan thought of him. Maybe he still cares a little now, when he shouldn't.

He's not sure how it is he can be angry at someone but feel sorry for them at the same time.

Hurriedly wiping a tear from his cheek, Hiro reaches under his pillow and emerges with a couple of photos he found in the coat pockets just this morning. Photos of Callaghan, and a girl who looks like Abigail, if he had to hazard a guess.]

I don't - want to just hunt him down like a dog. Those microbots are dangerous, and they're my responsibility, but...maybe he would've worked with us, if I hadn't...I don't know. I don't know what to do.

[anewangle]

[Tadashi knows the face a little better than Hiro does. Even just one meeting in Callaghan's office would be enough for anyone to see most of the major stages of his daughters life, neatly framed and hanging from the walls, propped up atop filing cabinets...

Or that's how it had been before he lost her. Things were different now.

He hadn't been sure that night, whether Callaghan would let them drown or not. Too focused on the actual drowning part to spend too much effort on such thoughts, it was only afterward that he'd really considered the idea. Confused and angry and afraid, barely in control... it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. As much as Tadashi never wanted to believe it, as much as it hurt to think about, he couldn't continue to think of Callaghan as only his former professor, his mentor. Not while he was capable of... more? That one word can't really serve as a satisfactory description, but it'll have to do for now. It's either that, or resort to a much more distressing vocabulary.

Instead he puts his focus on Hiro, turning in his seat to face his little brother fully, reaching out to place one hand over those smaller ones, mindful not to bend the photographs. Hiro might not want to look at him, but Tadashi's not going anywhere.]

He might have, he might not have. I'm not sure he's ready to actually ready to give the microbots up...

But we can try again. Next time we'll do it right.

[bigdamnhiro]

If we get a next time.

[Because maybe they won't. Maybe they'll have to take the microbots by force, maybe they'll have to fight for them just like before, only with no portal to suction them away little by little and no transmitter to destroy to end the fight. If an interfering signal won't work, or if the side effects are too savage to take that step, well...something else, then. Maybe magnets.

Ugh. Too hard to think about right now.

At least Tadashi's hand feels so much warmer than the clammy, wet one he tried to pull out of the harbor the other night. Healthy (sort of), and alive and...he's okay, Hiro's okay, nobody died. It could've gone so much worse.]

...M'sorry. That I lost my temper, that you were put in danger because of it. I don't want that to happen again.

[For the first time since Tadashi sat down, Hiro really looks at him. He sets the photos aside and - okay, hug time. Once in a blue moon hug time, but here he is, leaning over and hugging dumb Tadashi's neck.]

Also, I'm building floaties into your armor. No buts.