Hiro Hamada (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bigdamnhiro) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
san_fransokyo2015-01-17 12:01 am
bigdamnhiro) wrote in san_fransokyo2015-01-17 12:01 am
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There's a point we pass from which we can't return [O P E N]
[Sick days are the worst.
Most kids his age would be happy to have a few days out of school, but most kids his age don't have a high school diploma. Most kids his age aren't trying to get a bachelor's in robotics from the toughest tech school in town. Most kids his age aren't thinking, when they get sick, oh god but I have so many projects to work on.
Hiro tries not to think about it. All the snot, the fevers, the chills and the foul mood he's been in since taking a cold swim in the bay are making him miserable enough without thinking about all the notes and classwork he's going to need to catch up on. And every time he rolls over, there's Callaghan's rumpled trenchcoat hanging on the back of his desk chair, which just makes him want to burrow under the covers and be moody for a while.
Moody and sick, great combo. He snuffles and avoids talking; he shrugs off Baymax's attempts to assess his condition. He has nightmares, from which he wakes up sweating and terrified, and maybe he really regrets a couple of things he did regarding a certain masked man, but he can't take those back now.
He'll figure out what to do about it when his head's not stuffy and swimming.]
Most kids his age would be happy to have a few days out of school, but most kids his age don't have a high school diploma. Most kids his age aren't trying to get a bachelor's in robotics from the toughest tech school in town. Most kids his age aren't thinking, when they get sick, oh god but I have so many projects to work on.
Hiro tries not to think about it. All the snot, the fevers, the chills and the foul mood he's been in since taking a cold swim in the bay are making him miserable enough without thinking about all the notes and classwork he's going to need to catch up on. And every time he rolls over, there's Callaghan's rumpled trenchcoat hanging on the back of his desk chair, which just makes him want to burrow under the covers and be moody for a while.
Moody and sick, great combo. He snuffles and avoids talking; he shrugs off Baymax's attempts to assess his condition. He has nightmares, from which he wakes up sweating and terrified, and maybe he really regrets a couple of things he did regarding a certain masked man, but he can't take those back now.
He'll figure out what to do about it when his head's not stuffy and swimming.]
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[He sniffs briefly before looking back at Hiro again, trying to push back the worst of his runny nose in the childish way that he's always scolded Hiro for. Big boys use tissues and blow their noses like mature adults... but Tadashi's not feeling especially big just now.
He hesitates for a few seconds, debating on exactly how to string together the words he wants to say.]
... Do you remember what I told you about anger?
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Hiro briefly considers lying, and saying he doesn't, but Tadashi wouldn't believe that. Even if it's hard to take him seriously with his nose running like a faucet, Hiro knows his brother's smarter than that. And the truth is, he remembers every word vividly, even more so now.
He idly flicks a wadded up tissue across the bed, stalling for a couple seconds longer. They're everywhere - under his pillow, fallen in the crack between the bed and the wall, tumbled onto the floor or gathered into little piles to be thrown out. Stupid cold.]
You can't let anger change you. It isn't wrong, unless you turn it on another person. Yeah.
[He glances at the coat on the chair. He understands where this is going, but still...]
He attacked Baymax. He was out of control. He - [There's little conviction in his voice. He gets quieter.] Somebody needed to stop him.
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He was afraid.
[He knows Hiro must've seen it. He might not have registered it in that moment, but in the time after? The hours in the hospital, the days spent in bed afterward? There'd been plenty of time to process what happened that night. To go over things from every angle, to find what went wrong and where. Tadashi could see it, and if he could see it, he knew Hiro could too.]
That doesn't justify attacking Baymax like he did, but that signal did something that we didn't intend, and he was confused and afraid.
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He flinches at every syllable, shrinking in on himself. He's gripping at the sheets again, drawing them against his chest and holding them tightly, staring blankly down at his lap because it's the only place he can look - not at that stupid coat, and not at Tadashi because he doesn't want to see the look on his brother's face.
Hiro knows one thing that Tadashi maybe hasn't figured out, not that it gives him any satisfaction knowing it. So far, it only gives him bad dreams.]
He was afraid of Baymax.
[He tucks his knees against his chest and buries his face in his arms, mumbling quietly into them.]
That's my fault, too.
[And there it is.]
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And that's when he remembers what Hiro did. The actions he admitted to that brought about that conversation on anger. Looking at Baymax, knowing the robot like Tadashi knows him, it's difficult to imagine having any reason to be afraid of him, but without the healthcare chip...
He'd just be a big tool. A giant weapon, as Hiro had told him, with only basic programming and one person's anger guiding him.
It's a very unsettling thought, and it definitely makes sense when put into context. Being adversely affected by the second signal, only to come back to reality face-to-face with the robot that once tried to kill you?
Tadashi sighs, picking absently at the fabric of his pajama bottoms.]
... You made a mistake. None of us thought to account for that possibility.
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I made a lot of mistakes. And screwed everything up in the process. And nearly got everybody killed. He was scared of Baymax because of me.
[He sniffs. If he cries now, he's going to be in a world of stuffy congestion hell ten times worse than the one he was already experiencing, so...fighting back the floodgates, best as he can when they've been building pressure for a few days now.
Yeah, the guilt and mental backflips trying to sort through all this was pretty bad, but admitting it out loud makes it so much more real and awful.]
This really is all my fault.
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Everyone makes mistakes.
[Tadashi looks up at that sniff, any remains of that offended expression draining away as he looks at his little brother. He's certainly not going to lie to Hiro. Absolving him of all guilt would only be doing him a disservice, but the kid's punishing himself over what happened more effectively than Tadashi ever could.]
... There were a lot of things that led up to what happened with the dock. Lots of mistakes, big and small, and you can't carry all of them. Not on those skinny shoulders. [He smiles, a brief, but natural reaction while in the presence of his little brother.]
You made mistakes. I made mistakes. Callaghan... well, he's made a lot of mistakes. If we're going to move on from this, the most important part is identifying those mistakes so that neither of us repeat them again.
["Neither", because trying to include Callaghan in this little self-improvement exercise, even verbally, seems pretty silly.]
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[Just quiet acknowledgement; he's not even fighting anything but the tears anymore, because it is NOT OKAY TO CRY when you have a cold, ok, it's definitely a mistake. Though Hiro ends up scrubbing at his eyes anyway as he looks up - not at Tadashi, but at Callaghan's coat. His shoulders sag.]
I thought he was gonna let us both drown, but he didn't. He saved us. And now he doesn't want anything to do with us.
[Also Hiro's fault. It's not all his fault, maybe, but it feels like it. Maybe Callaghan's crazy, but when Hiro isn't absolutely livid with the man sometimes he remembers that once, he cared what Callaghan thought of him. Maybe he still cares a little now, when he shouldn't.
He's not sure how it is he can be angry at someone but feel sorry for them at the same time.
Hurriedly wiping a tear from his cheek, Hiro reaches under his pillow and emerges with a couple of photos he found in the coat pockets just this morning. Photos of Callaghan, and a girl who looks like Abigail, if he had to hazard a guess.]
I don't - want to just hunt him down like a dog. Those microbots are dangerous, and they're my responsibility, but...maybe he would've worked with us, if I hadn't...I don't know. I don't know what to do.
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Or that's how it had been before he lost her. Things were different now.
He hadn't been sure that night, whether Callaghan would let them drown or not. Too focused on the actual drowning part to spend too much effort on such thoughts, it was only afterward that he'd really considered the idea. Confused and angry and afraid, barely in control... it wasn't outside the realm of possibility. As much as Tadashi never wanted to believe it, as much as it hurt to think about, he couldn't continue to think of Callaghan as only his former professor, his mentor. Not while he was capable of... more? That one word can't really serve as a satisfactory description, but it'll have to do for now. It's either that, or resort to a much more distressing vocabulary.
Instead he puts his focus on Hiro, turning in his seat to face his little brother fully, reaching out to place one hand over those smaller ones, mindful not to bend the photographs. Hiro might not want to look at him, but Tadashi's not going anywhere.]
He might have, he might not have. I'm not sure he's ready to actually ready to give the microbots up...
But we can try again. Next time we'll do it right.
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[Because maybe they won't. Maybe they'll have to take the microbots by force, maybe they'll have to fight for them just like before, only with no portal to suction them away little by little and no transmitter to destroy to end the fight. If an interfering signal won't work, or if the side effects are too savage to take that step, well...something else, then. Maybe magnets.
Ugh. Too hard to think about right now.
At least Tadashi's hand feels so much warmer than the clammy, wet one he tried to pull out of the harbor the other night. Healthy (sort of), and alive and...he's okay, Hiro's okay, nobody died. It could've gone so much worse.]
...M'sorry. That I lost my temper, that you were put in danger because of it. I don't want that to happen again.
[For the first time since Tadashi sat down, Hiro really looks at him. He sets the photos aside and - okay, hug time. Once in a blue moon hug time, but here he is, leaning over and hugging dumb Tadashi's neck.]
Also, I'm building floaties into your armor. No buts.